she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hippo gnu deer
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
