So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
