I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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