I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
