last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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