there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
