I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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