I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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