i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
