dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I cannot find my penis.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
