I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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