last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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