In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
