I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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