I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
