I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
