On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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