I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
did i just pee glitter
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
