All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize