Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
