my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
