you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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