I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
