proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His nipple licking is glorious
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