i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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