I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
