did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
