i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
