That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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