Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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