im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
