i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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