I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
