Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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