the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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