The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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