walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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