3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
