3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Swine flu. Run for my life!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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