i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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