You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
