i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
