I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
