i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
