ya dads aren't the best wingmen
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
