You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
