im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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