My first STD was from a foam party
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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