He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize