Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
