I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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