I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Text me some of your sweat
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
