a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
