Can i not drive my cunt home
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
