now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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