If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize