then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
