it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
