I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
