so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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