I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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