shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
